The First Step
I discovered the external world.
Its nature, its humans, its relations.
Things in between and around.
They taught me that I don’t know how not to slap myself.
They gave me the map of the three slaps cases.
With its help, I recognized how I have been slapping myself.
That map became my compass, and this became my test case:
Nobody other than me can make me move myself.
I reached a place where I am not so fluent in slapping myself anymore.
I managed that by stopping all movement.
First external, then internal.
On the way, I discovered three other worlds.
I lock myself home on the body and its residents sensations.
Nobody other than me moves me there.
I am not moving myself either.
That accomplishes only half of the claim.
Can I move myself too?
I now know the mechanics of the slap.
Can I avoid it even while I move?
I reach here but avoiding the possibility of slapping myself.
That was easy.
Now I try to go back without slapping myself.
That is the real challenge.
I can stop myself.
Can I move myself?
I already move myself into my safe place.
Can I explore these worlds without influence?
Can I learn how to walk by myself?
Thinking space is too dangerous, too unpredictable.
It is a war-zone, not a training ground.
Breathing space is too monotonous.
A resting place, not a training place.
The sensational body seems like a safe bet.
This is the training ground.
I am on a dangerous mountain.
Right now, I am holding onto a spot, and I feel safe.
Am I safe?
I am always under attack.
By wind, rain, cold.
Rocks and stones are falling on me.
How can I move without falling?
I am going to climb.
I must be careful.
It is a matter of life and death.
I move myself to the left side of my nose.
I hold myself there.
I am still there.
I took the first step.
I do not have to lock myself home anymore.
My body is a mountain.
It is a land.
I will not conquer it.
I will learn to walk on it.
I can move across it.
There are sensations everywhere.
Sometimes strong, sometimes gentle.
I am pulled, I am moved by them.
That is okay.
That does not violate my stance.
I am like a character in a computer game.
I get lost, I fall, but I always respawn.
Thinking, breathing, sensations.
None of them can kill me.
None of them can make me disappear forever.
Suicide or murder.
It does not matter.
I always come back.
I am like a baby taking its first step.
I am going to learn how to walk on my body.
Alone.
I am holding the edge of the sofa.
I am moving on my face.
I am on my right cheek.
I am on my right eye.
It takes time.
It takes many trials.
I am reaching the second part:
Nobody moves me.
I can stop myself.
Only I move me.
I can move myself.
I am taking steps toward:
Nobody other than me can move me.
At least in one of the worlds.
I keep respawning.
I am opening my eyes, again.