The First Trap
I am exchanging my control for more freedom.
I retreat into my tiny home.
Taking a single step means moving the whole home.
It is exhausting and dangerous.
What a baby I am.
I am closing my eyes.
I cross the wild sea by holding the rope.
I get off the horse by holding the nostril line.
I watch the visitors, coming and going.
They steal me, but they cannot destroy me.
I always come back alive.
I have the map of the land, my body.
I use thinking to pre-define a route:
From head, face, shoulders, arms, hands.
Front and back, hips, legs, knees, feet.
I go from right to left.
I do not have any reason to return to thinking.
What a wild ocean that is.
I have the map.
I have the route.
I am ready to move.
I get lost sometimes, and that is okay.
Like a game, I restart from the last save.
They can move me out of my way.
But nobody can make me move out of my way.
I stay in some places longer than others.
I skip some places.
This climb is slippery; I must be careful.
I get stuck in some places.
I cannot move away.
Sensation grabs me.
It holds my legs.
I cannot move.
I am alarmed.
What is happening?
I cannot move.
Is this okay?
Nobody other than me can make me move.
I am not moving.
What is the problem?
I am not able to move myself either.
This is a new problem.
I have discovered something new in this new world.
I learned how to run from thinking.
I learned how to stop from breathing.
I am learning how to move from sensations.
Sensation is there — that is case 1.
I am brought back there — that is case 2.
If I stay there when I can leave — that is case 3.
Whenever I get the chance, I move on my route.
Sensations do not pull, but they do not let me go.
This is a different dynamic of sharing a room.
Thinking leaves the room messy.
I cannot stop him; he does it when I am not there.
I move out.
Breathing constantly moves the room.
I cannot stop him, but I can stop myself.
Sensations do not move out at all.
I cannot kick them out,
I can move myself out one step a time.
Sensations find a new way to challenge me.
Nobody other than me can make me move.
They stop me.
I exercise my full control to move as much as I can.
I consult the three slaps.
I add a new test case.
Nobody other than me can make me stop myself.
I am opening my eyes, again.