Liquid Self
I am with my coffee, early in the morning. Journal is calling me out. I have things on my mind, but nothing so concrete.
i am thinking a bit more often about impersonal and impermanence these days. I feel like I am moving through a tunnel, I am moving through a pile. I am not moving as one piece, I am like liquid. Like when water fills a jar of stones. I am moving. I am coming together, I am falling apart again. Again and again. What I know becomes meaningless, what I don’t know becomes meaningful. Non-existence becomes existence itself. False becomes truth. Dying becomes living. It is not a forward movement, it is a backward one.
God does not exist, becomes the disputable proof of its existence.
Is what I see parts me in pieces? Or is it the pieces make me see it? I dont know from where I am looking. I dont know from where I am looking. I dont know what is looking. I dont know what is being looking at. It is like a fist opening up, or what it holds is slipping away. Hold is meaningless without what it holds. There is no release, there is nothing to hold, there is no one to hold.
When impermanence becomes personal, it is personal suffering. When impersonal becomes permanent, it is permanent suffering. But suffering is impermanent and impersonal. Similar to life. When it is personal, death is painful.
Personal suffering is permanent. It stay as long as there is person. Permanent suffering is personal. From these two cases, we can have 4 combinations. Only one of them is the way out.
Hands hold. Every holding may look same, but they are not same. One hold owns what is holding. Another hold borrows what is holding. It is like two hands over the fire. The burned one will keep its distance. So opposite of holding is not not-holding. Hand is not the problem of holding. The problem with holding lies in what is holding the hand itself. For the hand, holding is never personal or permanent.
Since the beginning of time, I wear my breathing like a clothe. One over another, one over another. I never exhale any of those breaths. I live under layers of layers. How heavy I am, how heavy.
My suffering was to run away from my suffering. Personal suffering does not end by suffering, it accumulates. So personal suffering is not a suffering, it is the cause of it. Personal suffering is the complete opposite of suffering. Suffering is like a ring bells. Personal suffering si to hear that, but instead of answering it, is to go and ring other 3 bells. So I am suffering is to when a kid says they have money for any metal thing. There is no I in the suffering. There is suffering. Impersonal and impermanent. I am suffering, is personal and permanent.
I would like to continue with incarnation and karma. I haven’t done any formal reading on these subjects, so my understanding might be so wrong.
Incarnation is challenging to understand from a personal point of view. It feels like the person with all their make-up will come back to life again. That would naturally feel ridiculous to any rational being. There is nothing personal incarnation. Incarnation is impersonal. What is recycled is not what was personal, but what was impersonal.
Imagine a plastic bottle. When that is re-cycled, it is not the same bottle, the story of the previous bottle is over. What becomes from the re-cycled plastic is something else now in personal sense, but it is the same thing in impersonal sense. It is the same plastic, the same essence without a personal make-up. It may still carry something from the previous bottle but it is nothing from the bottle-personal itself. The bottle is not incarnated, the plastic is incarnated. Bottle has the plastic, the plastic was shaped by the bottle. Next item from that plastic will carry something of the bottle, what the bottle could not carry out to its end by itself. There will be an end to both the plastic and the bottle. Because the plastic was another re-cycled bottle in the first place. So karma is carried.
If we incarnate that point of view, countless time, we can also see what we assumed personal was also nothing personal both at the beginning and now. Whatever the person the plastic/karma became was impersonal. Also discussing good or bad karma for a person becomes meaningless. There is not a system where things are rewarded or punished, personally. Neutral things happen impersonally and impermanently. In one form or another.
That bottle has an afterlife which is not an afterlife.
From a personal point of view, this sounds like giving a green card to any possible behavior. Yes. It does. Take is as you wish. This will be scary and alarming from a personal pow, but seeing all impersonally, there is no green card and there is no red card. There is no card at all. Personal actions harm persons, impersonal is never affected by personal: see Socrates, see Jesus.
A person dies but it is not dying.
Can one really see that the real suffering in killing a person? Killing a person does not cause suffering, it is the most obvious sign of the suffering the killer goes through themself.
Karma is unlived suffering. So it will incarnate.
Kader in Islam seems to be one of the most complicated concepts. It is simply karma-living out. There is nothing personal. Kader is karma, karma is kader. Personal does not matter, the matter is not personal.
Personal god dies. Where is the impersonal one?
Apparent truth is personal. Impersonal truth is not apparent. They are like different planets. They are like different paradigms. It is like Newton’s physics and Quantum physics. Something so complex is so simple in the other, something so easy is so complex in the other. Something so ridicules is a principle in one, a principle in one is a ridicule in the other.