Helpless
I am in a meditation center.
Part of a group doing voluntary work.
We are in the daily meeting.
Sitting in a circle without a table.
My body has just stopped after intensive movement.
I am not scanning the people or the environment.
I am just sitting.
Nothing is moving.
My gaze is held by the ground.
Meditation is happening.
The conversation begins.
The earth is moving,
I am holding it.
The eyes are sun-setting,
There is nothing to see outside.
I am holding the meeting in my mind.
The conversation moves,
From expression of freedom to expression of control.
In a blink.
I could see that coming.
I recognize the danger before it reaches.
I am still not moving.
I have no doubt about our responsibilities.
I am my own.
They are their own.
I have no doubt about the power each of us hold.
I am grounded.
They reach the area I work in.
They want to see something different.
I hear their eyes looking at me.
Now they are on my skin.
They want to go deeper.
I do not stay with them.
I bring myself back to myself.
They are free.
I am free.
I have no confusion.
I am still, not moving.
Something in my stomach starts moving.
The danger is even closer now.
My heart starts racing.
Its beats march for the war.
I am not even directly addressed yet.
I am still not moving.
I have no doubt about our responsibilities.
I am my own, my body is its own.
I have no doubt about the power each of us hold.
I am watching its movement.
Someone wants to touch the core of my being.
That can only happen through me.
I have no doubt.
I cannot move.
The stakes are too high for me.
I am still holding.
Breathing in silence.
Breathing out heartbeats.
I have played this a thousand times.
I am watching it for the first time.
I cannot give myself away.
I cannot do it anymore.
For whatever cost, for whatever reward.
I am not moving.
The tension breaks one of them.
They sacrifice themself.
My body is calming down.
Still, I am not moving.
Breathing in voices.
Breathing out silence.
This time, I saw the whole movie.
From beginning to end.
I protected myself without harming myself.
I protected myself without harming them.
For the first time.
I did not win their war.
I did not lose mine.
I saw how helpless I was.
I saw how helpless they were.
Access to another was impossible.
My mind kept re-playing the movie.
Editing my response again and again.
None of the version could get a pass.
How helpless I was.
How helpless I was at protecting myself.
I was mute.
How can I protect something?
Something that cannot be harmed,
Something that cannot be hurt,
Something that cannot be accessed,
By none but myself.
How helpless I am at protecting myself.
How helpless.
Homeless is home everywhere.
Helpless is safe everywhere.
He was in the meeting.
The meeting was in him.
He was not in the meeting.
He was the meeting.