He is free now
So crazy.
I am scared but not completely.
Something is holding me, but it is not so strong anymore.
I am so close to quit my job, quit my apartment, quit Belgium, all of it.
But I am scared.
I am scared of my health, scared of unknown, my helplessness.
I am scared.
It says go, but it doesn’t tell me where.
How can I go?
How can I go if I don’t know where?
It says it doesn’t matter.
Where I look, I see fear.
All my corners are full of fear.
All my walls made of fear.
I am not scared.
But what is this scared one?
Who is this stopping me?
Just let me go.
Thinking of later, and later, and later.
There is no later.
There is now.
Just let it go.
Regrets.
What if I would regret?
What if I would need what I left behind?
All childish.
Why is it scary?
I am tired of patching.
I can see myself.
I am just sitting.
No force, no power can move me.
I am just sitting.
I accept it all.
Because I am all.
I want nothing.
And I can accept it all.
Don’t ask me any.
I have none.
I hate this world.
I hate it, every piece of it.
I hate my love for it.
I hate its comfort.
I hate its expectations.
If I could do one thing now,
I would just walk.
Walk with nothing but only clothes, no keys to come back.
I stayed. Again.
I was frozen for a good amount of time.
Before it all started.
I sat on the sofa, just chilling, and waiting for my brother to reach out, we agreed to have a video call today.
I was drinking coffee and reading a book on e-reader.
Right when that idea of running away hit me again, I stopped drinking the coffee, left the e-reader and the phone.
I was listening to a song called Little Voices by Lane 8, again and again. I said one more time and then I would leave.
How crazy. I was crying, crying my heart out.
The last repeat ended. I took off the headphone. I was just sitting on the sofa, or I should say that my body was left on the sofa, I was looking in front of me, in blank, if and if I was to make a move, it was to execute that decision: to leave, to walk away. So I was frozen in time while my mind kept moving.
It was only standing up, to pee and to put on my jeans and leave. That moment of leaving the keys on the door inside, closing it and walking out. How simple, how usual, how daily.
Where would I go? What would I do? I left my siblings behind, for the first time. It was not my parents but my siblings would be sad, so sad, not hearing from me. I thought of the poems I sent to them, felt like my goodbyes.
I didn’t care about leaving the apartment as it is. I looked around, it was like watching a crime scene, right before someone disappeared. The apartment looked so normal, so disordered, like every day life, not much care given. I was going to leave everything behind, phone, headphones, glasses, wallet, even my miband. It was just the body and its clothes.
The messages and calls would arrive at a phone, which would have no owner anymore.
I didn’t have to do anything, for the landlord, for the company. For resignation, for giving back the car, for emptying the apartment, none. Even for government, nothing, they could put me in jail, they could take all of my money, I was still intact, I was whole. They could do whatever they want with me. I was with my breath, with my truth. They had no power to move me. I was living the truth, I was in truth.
The knocks on the door of an apartment without a resident.
The sadness of siblings, the desperation of parents, their son gone crazy, gone missing. Society had no power over me. Their money, their threats, nothing. I had trust that I could drink and eat something. Even not asking but given when needed. I would be found. I didn’t have to try.
Instructions, commands, expectations falling on an ear without a head.
A few times, small, really small, “let’s go”, surfaced, but nothing moved.
That bottle on the table, half drunk. That coffee mug on table, half drunk. The book I was reading, the headphone, and music I listened to. My meditation corner, made bed. Charged shaver. All just there as it is. I had a day planned, and tomorrow. But then, I just left.
A normal apartment became a ghost house.
A normal body became a ghost shelter.
I didn’t move, while sitting something moved.
All these made the hard easy. I am quitting my job and this apartment.
That’s maybe how brave I am, how ready I am. For the part of the truth I can get.
How could I give you the truth?
Knowing that it kills you.
I don’t want you to suffer.
Just hug me.
Just hug me.
Be with me.
I am hurt.
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am in pain.
I am scared.
Take me in your arms.
Truth doesn’t hurt.
What you carry does.
To me,
You come alone and naked.
You want to know the truth?
Living is the only way.
Are you brave enough?
You cannot keep your picture in a frame,
and get the picture of the truth next to it.
I want to lie myself down,
on the ocean,
It will carry me, gently.
I know.
I am scared of dying.
Even though I know,
It will still carry it.
Dying in each breath is hard.
So there is suicide,
And escape.
Don’t be scared.
I will hold you.
You don’t have to run away.
(while drawing a random picture)
Just watch.
It is like a horror movie.
No, it is thriller.
Nobody will get hurt.
A mystery will be resolved.
Where were you till now?
I am always here.
Why didn’t I hear you?
You were busy with life.
Aren’t you life?
Yes.
So?
Can I write what we talk?
Sure.
Why am I not doing?
Because you are not busy with life.
Thank you for not letting me go.
You did go.
What is left is mine.
The body was still, and nothing could move it.
The body has moved, and nothing could still it.
I am scared.
Don’t be.
I don’t know what to do.
You know what you have to do.
I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
Silent!
Come on, let’s go.
Stand up.
Body doesn’t move.
Why don’t you move,
Come on.
I see who is talking.
Who is talking?
(Body starts to cry.)
Why are you crying now?
(still talking, shameless)
A voice, a powerless voice keeps commanding.
The voice has no authority anymore.
He has left. He is free now.