Existence is a Burden

Another one of those days again.

Existence is a burden.

Truth is not here yet.

And all other ways are blocked by the truth.

All the tastes were taken away.

What is life is tasteless, boring.

My mind is being forced to find some way out of this.

Fantasising about quitting work, starting a different lifestyle. Considering only change but nothing more.

And another one: the one who is imprisoning me, telling me to wait. But it doesn’t tell me for what.

One tells me to go, but doesn’t tell me where.

One tells me not to do anything, which is hard.

Another tells me to do anything but something.

Not doing anything just shows some of the pain that I carry without noticing.

If I can’t have anything to compensate, why would I suffer this?

I’m talking about my job. I have almost nothing I like about it recently. Pretending to do something even for a few hours seems like a lot of work. Talking to people, pretending to care about them, their life, their interests. Being forced to be present in places, to sit with people. This job affords my current life choices and style.

I don’t see any meaning in it. I can’t make any out of it. In the past I would fight people, cause trouble at work. But now nothing. And still I cannot just go. I mean, I can. But something tells me to wait.

And I don’t know. I can endure this suffering, I think. I can convince myself, I can tell myself another day is different, it could be different, my mind could change some time later. I consider taking days off, doing vacation etc. But for what? Will I suddenly like my job again?

My internal world doesn’t align with my external world. I don’t live in a big city, but still it is sometimes crowded and loud. I could be closer to more silent and natural places. To find what? Is it there, what I am looking for? I know it is not.

I used to drive around, go to places, visit places, go on adventures. I used to try out recipes, do sports. And now? None. None is what I am looking for. I am sure of that now.

So why do anything? Why change anything?

Of course one place could be more open for discovery than another. Like living alone instead of with a crazy family. Being in a forest instead of a crowded city. It is the same with my job: I am not willing to completely give up on it. It still offers some conveniences.

I can’t take it, I can’t leave. The story of my life.

There are times I hope something will happen so I can go in a direction — like being fired. A strong, confident decision. A decision that makes me move. Not a decision that makes me fantasize.

So I don’t know. Both sides keep pressuring me. I don’t know which way is right. I feel what I am doing now aligns more with God’s plan. Or what is happening to me — it is Him. I don’t want to pursue my egotistical desires, wishes, ambitions.

In the past, I took decisions, I made plans, I know I am capable of executing them. But I also know I fantasize a lot.

So I am waiting. He doesn’t show himself; I resist running away. It is a painful wait. I know it is worth it. But I only know what I am leaving behind; I don’t know what I am going toward. And that’s really hard for me. Really hard.

You take almost all of me.
Without giving back.
You block almost all my ways.
Without showing a way.
I am in cold,
Without any clothes.
I am in dark,
Without any light.
I am in struggle,
Without any power.
I am in pain,
Without anyone to blame,
Without anyone to save.
I am lost,
Nowhere to be found.
I am tired,
Without a bed to rest.
If you are here,
Why can’t I see you?
If you are nowhere,
Why would I move?

This is like strong determination sitting, now I see. You just sit, not knowing, nothing comforting. Just you and your pain. And I know from experience both go to sleep together.

I can’t escape: open my legs, hands, eyes, or move. I don’t even know when this ends. I just sit with the pain. And maybe I get familiar with my pain. Maybe we hug each other and become friends.

I can do something, but I won’t.

I know that voice visits me, asking why am I doing this? Am I stupid? Why am I suffering myself, causing myself pain, etc.

I am hungry,
With all your food.
I am bored,
With all of your world.
I am poor,
With all of your money.
I am lonely,
With all of your people.
I am homeless,
With all of your houses.

I don’t know my way to you.
Take me.
Take me to yourself.