Çörek Otu
Thought of making kulunce today.
Then decided not to.
I didn’t feel like doing it.
After a while, I went to it again — and did it.
Without strictly following the measurements,
with ideas here and there.
So I made kulunce.
Decided to have them with black tea.
When they were ready, I tried one.
I laughed out of joy. The taste —
the ghee, the milk, the softness,
the crunch, the fennel, the çörek otu —
all hit at once.
I took some bites with homemade yogurt.
It hit even harder.
Then I tried again, this time with homemade cheese.
It was heaven.
I was so happy.
Now tea was ready —
I would eat some that way.
I didn’t feel like sitting too much.
Standing up, working in the kitchen,
felt more comfortable —
the opposite of my usual way of being.
I already ate more than I would allow myself,
and keep eating more.
I cried a bit while eating.
The taste of çörek otu is the best thing in the world.
I knew the taste, but it never occurred to me to have it for myself.
I always thought it was something out there —
you get it from others, via others.
I didn’t even know the name.
I mean, I knew the name, I knew the taste —
but I didn’t link them.
I always felt like it was something used in çörek,
which I usually don’t cook or eat.
It’s what makes a ramazan pidesi special,
and kulunce special.
I keep going back to drinking black tea,
using a tea pot —
the tea and the way I used to drink it with my parents.
I resist drinking, thinking it might not be healthy for me,
but every time after a meal,
that’s mostly the only thing I want.
It comforts me.
And with bakery —
the taste of ramazan,
the taste of bayram.
Maybe I ate too much,
or got too happy.
My stomach is in pain.
Too much food love.
Seni altmış yıldır seven bir kişi bile olmadı.
Bir kişi bile.
Sen hiç sevilmedin.
Sevgi nedir, bilmiyorsun.
Güvende olmak nedir, bilmiyorsun.
Huzurlu olmak nedir, bilmiyorsun.
Diğerleri için hiç insan olmadın.
Diğerleri senin için hiç insan olmadı.
Seni sevmek istiyorum.
Seni sevmeme izin ver.
Seni henüz nasıl seveceğimi bilmiyorum.
Seni istediğin gibi değil,
bildiğin gibi değil.
Seni senin sevginle sevmeyeceğim.
Seni sevmeme izin ver.
Sana dokunmama izin ver.
Sana sarılmama izin ver.
Kalbine ulaşmama izin ver.
Sevgimin sana ulaşmasına izin ver.
Seni sevmek için öldüm ben.
Oğlun değilim artık.
Sevginim.
Seni sevmeme izin ver.